When 3 Miles Really Equals 6

This past weekend marked not just the homecoming of Grasshoppah. It was also the Quatro's very first communal charity event. And it wasn’t even court ordered! We just did it because we care. In our magnanimous way, we combined forces to fight MS by … walking around Boston. Actually, I’m not really sure how that part fought MS, but it did give us an excuse to raise almost $3K for the cause and also to hold up traffic on both sides of the river.

Since Grasshoppah got into town on Saturday and the event wasn’t until Sunday, we had to find a way to entertain ourselves in between. We very responsibly ate a light dinner involving vegan-cheese nachos and gluten-free beer at Other Side Café where it was glaringly obvious that I did not fit in amongst the skinny hipsters who made me feel old (for further proof of the insanity, follow the link to their website. You’ll note that it is a MySpace page. You’ll also note that only 13 year olds and pedophiles use MySpace). I’m also fairly certain I heard a young lady with a lip ring discussing Nietzsche. I know I’ll get a few raised eyebrows for saying this considering my own emo-teen years, but Saturdays aren’t for deep philosophical conversation. They’re for starting bar fights and vomiting in public. Kids these days.

After dinner, we migrated to Lir where several dozen drinks were consumed. Because who thinks getting drunk the night before a 6 mile charity walk is a good idea? This guy. That’s who.

Shockingly enough, we all made it to Harvard Stadium in good spirits the next morning though most were equipped with dark sunglasses and one unnamed participant admitted to being in “rough shape.” The walk commenced amidst a crowd of entirely too chipper do-gooders and a couple of tee-shirt wearing dogs. Except it was really less of a walk and more of a stroll because there were several thousand people trying to promenade along the same path and some of them were in wheelchairs. Which asshole saw no problem passing disabled people on the left with the rest of her team? Still this guy.

Despite my best efforts to divert the herd to the nearest pub or bakery, we remained steadfastly on track (On a marginally related note: somewhere after half a mile, Notorious gave me a piece of vacuum sealed cheddar that she had snagged from the refreshment stand before leaving to shut me up. Thank you for your pocket cheese, Notorious).

After the first loop (which the MS Society claims was 3 miles but I think was probably closer to 4 miles), there was a smaller secondary loop to walk in order to complete the full 6 miles. It was like one of those trick SAT math problems with no solution.

Anyway, after completing oval A, we broke off from the pack of determined good Samaritans and slunk back to the stadium where we were greeted in a noisy, embarrassing fashion by a group of cheerleaders who congratulated us on finishing half the course (OR POSSIBLY MORE THAN HALF, YOU BUNCH OF FUCKING LIARS) and presented us with medals. Which we wore to lunch.

Lunch wasn’t easy to get though. After our exodus, we had to walk from Harvard Stadium to Border Café (a 0.6 mile route according to Google Maps, the leading authority on where stuff is… except my car keys… and my dignity) and then BACK (another 0.6 miles) to my car which was located at Harvard Stadium because I was too cheap to pay for parking a second time in one day. So according to my calculations (yes I have detailed calculations saved to my computer and am willing to show proof if necessary), even IF the route we walked was 3 miles, then we walked 5.6 miles between Saturday and Sunday. And everyone knows that you round up because decimal places are stupid because their not divisible by zero or something.

Tadaa! I walked 6 miles in the fight against MS, got drunk, and ate some vegan cheese though not in that order. Wasn’t it worth waiting all week to hear about it? Stay tuned – I’m heading down to the Dirty Jerz tomorrow morning to visit my knocked up sister and bring her to a liquor store for supplies where I’m hoping we’ll get judgmental looks and I can yell something at an elderly woman like, "Well, maybe YOU shouldn't be drinking on your heart medication? Ever think of THAT?"