Today at work, I was involved in a discussion with the single girls in the office concerning point systems for rating potential mates. I got to thinking about how Beau attained the coveted position of being my boyfriend (coveted like being a fighter pilot: it looks really fun and you get serious street cred for surviving, but actually, if you fuck up, it's really hazardous to your health). While my new office BFF, Krystal Youngblood, has a 5-point system, I determined Beau passed a much more rigorous assessment which was (sadly) culled from actual knowledge gained over years and years of dating complete losers. Here I present to you, in no particular order, Dangerous K’s 22-Point Inspection:
1. Must drink without being a full fledged alcoholic.
2. Must be able to drink me under the table.
3. Must not wear black eye liner
4. Must not write, read, or enjoy dark poetry
5. Must not have British teeth.
6. MUST NOT BE A BARTENDER.
7. Must not be in a band.
8. Must pay own share of rent.
9. Must have an egalitarian point of view concerning housework.
10. Must bathe frequently.
11. Must live in the continental United States; must not need assistance obtaining proper paperwork to do so.
12. Must not exist in a permanent state of couch-surfing.
13. Must participate in communal farts, burps, and nose picking.
14. Must be able to make me laugh at his jokes harder than I laugh at my own.
15. Must not have connections to the mob.
16. Must not be gay.
17. Must not play Dungeons & Dragons.
18. Must not be a vegetarian.
19. Must not listen to Starbucks soundtrack music, NPR, or jazz.
20. Must not expect me to attend cultural events and maintain a façade of maturity.
21. Must not weep during arguments.
22. Must be an excellent cook. Must not judge me when I lick my plate. Must offer his plate for licking as well.
Now for shits and giggles, guess which points the following ex-boyfriends failed (pseudonyms have been expanded on for those in my personal life who may have difficulty determining real names):
Weasely, The Elf Boy: Transitional high school to college boyfriend (Summer 2002 – Summer 2004)
Ho-Train: Abercrombie-esque guy that I permanently broke (Fall 2004? Maybe? Is that right?)
Marilyn Manson: Goth dude from my dorm (The day I broke up with Ho-Train until a month or two later)
Malarkey: Irish delinquent (Summer 2005 - Spring 2006)
Bonus points for identifying the ex (not included on this list – initials only if you know who it is) who failed #15!
**Update for clarification: Each point may apply to multiple listed exes. Some points apply to unlisted exes**
3 comments:
i think that craigslist killer might be ho-train. it certainly resembles him in the blurred photo
I thought of you today when I opened an email from my aunt, which contained a power point presentation pictorial (complete with oompa loompa music) of a restaurant in Germany that serves portions so large, only an elephant could finish the meal. That is NOT why I thought of you, though. It was the restaurant's breathless explanation of the "Bembel of Grauens", which is a FOUR LITER GLASS of Bacardi rum and cola, that turned my brain to Dangerous K. I know your love your rumndietcokes. I figure consuming 1.05668 gallons of rum and cola would interest you. Possibly.
I thought you might want to visit them someday. They serve a killer schnitzel and also feature a burger that is one foot in diameter.
Oh. My. God.
DG, let's go to Germany RIGHT NOW.
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