Solutions for the Opposite of Awesome

Can we squeeze in one more blog entry before the end of the month despite having little to say? Yes we can! My site meter suggests I have fans to please and I am all about fan pleasin’. Are you pleased yet? Are you at least temporarily satiated? I know I am.

Now that I’ve set an entirely too chipper tone for this post (which I can do in my wild nihilistic way), here are some updates that actually kind of blow and also the various brilliant ways in which I plan on fixing them:

Problem: Beau and I have seen around 40 houses and haven’t found a single structurally sound home in our price range that isn’t in the ghetto or 40 miles from Boston.

Solution: We finally gave up on Sunday and started looking for condos. Apparently, our budget provides for some pretty pimpin’ places that we’d previously ignored. In exchange for a buffer zone between me and my neighbors, I might get granite countertops or a Jacuzzi to put my little toy boats in or an extraordinarily convenient location.

Problem: Obama hasn’t fixed the economy yet like FOX news promised he would. Half a dozen of my friends or family members have been laid off, taken pay cuts, or at best, had their wages frozen for the foreseeable future.

Solution: I will convince T to let us build log cabins on his family’s land in the boonies where I will have a victory garden and feed chickens and darn socks and pretend to be Daniel Day-Lewis from The Last of The Mohicans until the recession ends.

Problem: There is a disfiguring blemish on my face. I am very sure it is a herpe. Just one. Beau insists that it is a zit and not a cold sore but luckily I am a hypochondriac so I know better.

Solution: Neosporin fixes everything. I have also threatened to remove my herpe and hide it somewhere in Bologna’s house during my impending trip to the Dirty Jerz. She thinks she’ll find it, but she won’t. My herpe is stealth. It doesn’t run around waving flags and screaming. This isn’t a gay pride parade folks.

Problem: I suck at conclusions.

Solution: I will leave my readers hanging with a sentence fragment which is sure to piss some people off but I don’t give a