Seriously, Eat Asparagus

Earlier today as I was rounding off my fiftieth job application since September 1 (the third one today), I had a moment of passing panic when I realized the job boards probably wouldn’t update until after the lunch hour when those lucky, gainfully employed members of society would return to their suddenly luxurious looking cubicles in the HR department. That meant I would have my first free time of the day which had thus far been spent getting dolled up for an interview, getting to the interview, interviewing, returning from the interview, and sending out resumes in hopes of gaining other interviews. That’s what my life is now. Job hunting and open wastelands of down time. I couldn’t tell you which terrifies me more.

There are countless articles on how to recession proof your job, how to get a new job once you get laid off from the recession-proofed one, how to compete in a market flooded with qualified candidates, how to scale back on your budget to eek out another rent payment, but I haven’t found a damn thing explaining how to deal with the boredom of seemingly infinite hours of unpaid vacation. When I quit in August, I thought a month off would be a peachy sabbatical and it really was for the first fifteen minutes. Two and a half months later, it’s a different story.

If anyone else out there is like me, then you stopped liking sitcoms about a month ago. You got sick of dusting after you found yourself on your hands and knees scrubbing a baseboard that simply refused to stay clean. Facebook has started to nauseate you. And so, I present my unsolicited advice on how to fight the unemployment doldrums and keep you from going any crazier:

Put down the remote, put on a CD that is not Fiona Apple

As that group of radicals that I associated with in college thereby destroying any ideas I had of a political career used to say, “Kill your TV.” It is the single biggest contributing factor to my brain rot. I’ve sworn it off during daylight hours and put on music instead. Anything not written in a dark room by someone wearing black nail polish is generally a safe choice. I like a variety so my current line up includes Enya, The Killers, and Pirates of the Caribbean. The intensity and drama of the last was particularly useful. It made my dishwashing feel ten times more dignified and triumphant.

Stop sitting in a corner crying and take a walk

For me, the worst part of unemployment is that stagnant pond water feeling, so I try to move around a bit. I frequently dance around the apartment and try to venture into the sunlight at least once a day. When I’m physically sitting still, I try to keep my brain occupied with crossword puzzles, reading, writing, taking inventories of what’s in Beau’s dresser drawers, anything keeps my neurons from liquefying and crawling out my nose.

Make shit to sell on Etsy

To keep my brain really distracted, I get creative. For example, cooking. You’ve got to eat anyway and making things by hand is way cheaper than Lean Cuisine. Last night, Beau and I made potato gnocchi from scratch for dinner. Today I made stir fry for lunch and as an added bonus, I threw in some asparagus which means I’ll be doubly amused the next time I have to pee. I've also been crafting like a fiend. Speaking of which, do you think there’s a market for illustrations of beans riding tacos?



Like Enigma said, return to innocence... eiiiiiiiiIIII ohhhhwah wah wahhh (remember the video with the unicorn running through the woods?!)

Lastly, I’ve embraced cabin fever like a kid with chicken pox and allowed some of my craziness to bubble to the surface. I make forts. I talk to cashiers at the grocery store. I pet stray cats. I tackle Beau and try to wipe boogers in his hair. I play dress up in my own closet. I see which pots and pans fit on my head.

It might all sound pretty simplistic and common sense, but honestly, it took me a month to remember how to entertain myself without people around to play with or wads of cash. Now excuse me, I need to use the ladies' room and I am REALLY excited.