Sometimes the promise of the snooze button is the only thing that convinces me to set my alarm at night. Sometimes I get a little carried away with it. In college, I was known to snooze my way through class by hitting the button for upwards of 3 hours. This morning, I did justice to the golden days by snoozing until 7:30, which gave me 20 minutes to make myself presentable to the outside world before running out the door.
Despite the time constraints, I flicked on the morning news to keep me company as I bustled about brushing my teeth and making a slap dash breakfast of a round veggie burger in a hotdog bun. While I struggled into my boots I caught the end of possibly the greatest segment ever to appear on Fox’s morning news: a report of a green organism with tentacles found living in the sewers.
Whilst discussing said monster with coworkers over a cup of coffee, it became apparent that no one else had seen the report. As the quiet shuffling of feet began, it also became apparent that no one believed that this news story existed. I started catching those side long glances that your superiors throw to one another when their underling is flapping her arms and describing the gelatinous creature dwelling under the sidewalks. When I complained to Bologna early this afternoon, she likewise, called me crazy, which is not unlike her because what’s more important than siding with your only full blooded sibling? Oh I don’t know. Maybe EATING OUT OF THE MAN’S HAND!
So, I committed a solid hour of company time to hunting down the story. I was unable to find a lead on the Fox-Boston website or by googling any of the following word combinations: “organism living in Boston sewer”, “creature Boston tentacles”, or “Boston sewer monster”. Since I am well aware of my own sanity, there was only one explanation for the sudden disappearance of the story that I witnessed with my own eyes only hours earlier: a government cover up. The Feds came in and hushed the brave local journalists of Fox with threats of audits and shin-breaking or possibly with the donation of an exorbitant sum of unmarked bills. These possibilities loomed on the horizon as I railed against the Man by typing lengthy IMs to Bologna in all capital letters while she called me a lunatic.
Ever hateful of admitting defeat, I continued my research by expanding my search until, lo and behold, I stumbled upon the truth. It was hiding in Denver’s sewer not Boston’s, but the details do not concern me so long as the overall idea is the same. They identified the monster as a Bryozoan, a 350-million year old primitive animal species. It is reportedly not harmful so they’ve decided to allow it to continue living in the sewer WHICH IS FUCKING AWESOME.
Tomorrow morning, I will cheerfully wake up on time knowing that there are Bryozoans possibly living in my sewer too because if that’s not a reason to live, I don’t know what is.
2 comments:
To quote Fox news: "Bryozoans aren't harmful, although they can occasionally clog water pipes."
Hee.
That sentence makes me giggle. It's like saying "Aliens from outer space aren't harmful, even if they want to suck your soul out of your eyeballs, but they can tend to cloud your view of the sun."
Bryozoans are 350 million years old. That sort of scares the shit out of me. What if it starts mating with itself and multiplies and KILLS US ALL????
Beau has a similar view. He thinks this sounds like the intro to a movie about creatures from the sewer coming out and attacking the humans. He supports erradicating the Bryozoan before we come to regret it. I, on the other hand, am just a general animal hugger, no matter how ugly the animal may be.
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