The Harrowing Story of Beau & the Night I Almost Peed Myself

For full pictographic details of my recent "vacation" to Florida, please refer to the link to my flickr account located at stage right. Generally, there are very few details worth reliving or relating to others, so instead I will tell you this much more interesting tale.

This past Monday was a lousy day in the life of Dangerous K due to a previous unforeseeable event this past Sunday in which I drank approximately all the rum on Pleasure Island. This immediately led to (possibly) the worst hangover of the year in which I was confined to my bed except for brief sessions of vomiting and spaghetti consumption. All this instead of going to Epcot on Monday as planned.

ANYWAY, we compensated by going to both Sea World and Epcot on Wednesday in a super-doubleheader which made everyone else go to bed as soon as we got back to the condo. Except for me because Family Guy was on and its like heroin.
But even the wacky antics of Peter Griffin couldn't keep me up past 11:30 when I too headed to sleep. As previously discussed, my bladder is itsy-bitsy so as a general rule, I make time to empty it before bedtime.

I flicked on the bathroom light and immediately froze in the doorway. Looking back at me from a distance of 5 feet was a gigantore 3-inch cockroach sitting on my previously clean bathmat. He looked like this (yes I took a picture):

Maybe you would like a closer close-up, yes?:

So, there we were: me, now desperately in need of a potty break and it, a 6-foot tall, slobbering Beelzebug with a semi-automatic weapon. After several minutes of intense eye contact with a creature that I've heard could outlive me in nuclear winter, it dared to wiggle a leg at me, giving me a serious case of the heebie-jeebies and also helping me to determine that despite my righteous feminist ideals and stubborn independence, now was a time to go crying to my boyfriend because there was NO way to kill this thing with a flip flop.

I slowly backed out of the room and headed for Beau who was peacefully snoring in the next room.

Beau: SNOREEE

Dangerous: Beau? (poke, poke) Are you asleep?

Beau: Snore, gurgle.

Dangerous: Baby (poking becomes more urgent) I need you... [*Beau's interjection "Beau wakes up with the hope of late night nookie - not to kill a mutant"]

Beau: Gurgle (half rolls over)

Dangerous: Baby, there's a bug... it's in the bathroom... it's like really big.

Beau: (nodding, sitting up, silently going into bathroom)

DRAMATIC PAUSE

Beau: Holy fuck.

Dangerous: SEE! It's a very big bug!

Beau: I, uh, I think I need to get fully dressed for this.

Beau then armored up like knights of yore and went courageously into battle while I cowered in the fetal position on the bed. Eventually I emerged to find my hero coming in the front door:

Dangerous: It's gone?

Beau: It's gone.

Dangerous: I can pee now?

Beau: You can pee now.

Dangerous: Where did the bathmat go?

Beau: It's outside... there was no saving the bathmat.

You see, like a good Italian In Training, Beau made a clean hit and then rolled the body in a rug for easy disposal. He made me very proud.

It wasn't until the following morning that I discovered that Bologna and her husband, T, had similar experiences. We spent the remaining days very drunk and with all the lights on.

And now, I seek the ultimate retribution by publicly denouncing ON THE INTERWEB that the

Liki Tiki has cockroaches of unusual size and if your family offers you a free condo there, you should say "Good day!" and then hang up the phone or slam the door in their face, whichever is most convenient to your particular situation.